2004 – Page 11 – neumatikos

The Nature of Existence

I’m getting yelled at roundly from all corners for not posting anything but once a month, so I’m going to try to be more frequent in my posting. See, the trouble is, I don’t really know what I’m doing. No, not about my writing. I can always blather something. I mean about my life. I have no clue what I’m doing.

Back that up. I have no clue who I am.

Back up again. I have no clue that I am

But I know one thing: I know that HE is, and that is enough.

I think it’s in one of John the apostle’s letters where it says, before anything else, we must first believe that HE IS. Our gut reaction in the modern world is to think that has to do with some stance against atheism. But John wasn’t talking about acknowledging that, yes, there is a God out there somewhere. He was making a reference to Jesus saying “before the world was, I AM.”

HE IS—in some sense far more fundamental than we can comprehend.

Now, I’ve never read that Descartes guy, to find out what all exactly he said, but the more I think about his famous statement—I think, therefore I am (Cogito, ergo sum)—the more I am amazed. Not at how profound that statement is, but at how profoundly stupid it is—Absolute, undeniable proof that Descartes had never encountered the living God, or even any intimation of Him.

Descartes assumed that the act of thinking about the fact that he was thinking proved that at least he was there to think about thinking. Even if his body and this worlds-realm were illusions and imaginary creations, there was at least somewhere, a mind that was thinking about these things without reference to any outside source. Descartes was right in that sense, I suppose, but where he missed it was when he thought that mind was his. We humans cannot think without some medium to think through, any more than a bell can ring in a vacuum, without the medium of air to convey the sound. Our thoughts require some mechanism, some reference through which to think. But Descartes didn’t realize this because he was too worried about whether or not he himself was thinking to wonder if Someone Else was thinking too.

It is in Him that we live, and move, and have our being. But, like Descartes, if we are too busy concerning ourselves with our own being, we will never look up to see what it is that sustains us.

That all sounds very intellectually stimulating, but it has a very real application, if I can find the human words to explain it. Yahweh IS. Yesu IS. And so far as I have a reference back to HIM, I am as well. I don’ t mean some kind of trite truism about how, if it isn’t about God, it really isn’t very important. I mean if there isn’t some kind of connection with the living God, it just doesn’t exist. We are but a vapor, or smoke, almost literally, and His is the light that defines us. Even a rebellion against God has solidity because it is a rebellion against God.

See, I missed it again.

Jean Calvin, in his Institutes of Christianity, starts at a very strange entry point. You’d think he’d start off with “The bible is true because….” or “God is real because…” But Calvin starts with a paradox. Calvin knows that there is no objective way to look at God. The only one who can be objective about anything is God, because he’s the only one with an absolute reference point. I, on the other hand, can’t perceive God, except in reference to myself. I can’t see God working through my goldfish because I am not my goldfish. The only way I could see God working through my goldfish is if my goldfish told me, and then, once again, my reference point for perceiving God would have to start (at least partially) with me. I can’t perceive the wonder of God’s work in the heavens, except to feel wonder when I stare at the heavens. But that wonder happens in me, so my reference point is still me. But the problem is, of my own volition, I don’t wonder. Since everything goes through my filter, I think my filter is reality. I end up like ole René Descartes: “The filter is real, I am the filter.” The only way to know that my filter is flawed is to perceive God. But I can only perceive God through my filter.

This is why it says in scripture that “it is God who works in you to will and to do for His good pleasure.” There is just no way for a human being to infer that something exists from its absence. You’ve heard it said about somebody who lives in a desolate environment “They just don’t know they’re poor.” That’s how it is all the time with us. We don’t know that God is waiting to rend the heavens and pour Himself upon us, because it’s never occurred to us that the heavens can be rent.

So God cheats. He reaches inside each of us, and creates an unfulfillable longing: that oft referred to “God-shaped hole.” It isn’t fair. We’d be quite content if that longing were not imposed upon us. And once that longing is in us, nothing is ever good enough, our whole lives long, until we see Him, finally, with unveiled face. He artificially inseminates us with a longing that is at odds, that s, the filter of our minds. And we are permanently, and increasingly miserable until this conflict is quelled. We must either destroy the filter, or suppress the longing.

What we don’t realize is that this complex system of perceiving God, not perceiving God, longing for that which you do not perceive, and hating and loving both the means through which you do not perceive Him, cannot exist, except in reference to the only absolute in existence. Please forgive me while I wax mathematical for a moment, but I’m going to dredge up your geometry and calculus memories. Imagine a graph. Or even draw a graph. In the middle of your graph, going up and down, is the y axis. It starts at zero in the middle and goes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 going up and -1, -2, -3, -4, -5 going down. Going left and right is the x axis, and it does the same thing. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 going to the right, and -1, -2, -3, -4, -5 to the left. Where these lines cross is “the origin”: zero on both axes. It’s the center of the graph because it’s the reference for every other point. Stick a dot in the top right corner of the graph. That, my friend, is a mathematical point. If you remember from school, a point has no measurements. It has no length, width, depth or height. The only thing it has is position. The only thing it gives it any value whatsoever, is its position in reference to the origin. That point, my friend, is you. If the origin did not exist, your point would cease to exist, because without the origin there would be no graph.

This simple relationship is what Augustine calls “the simple good.” God’s over there, I am in my place in relation to Him. Everything is good.

Now draw (or imagine) a diagonal line between your point and the origin. That is your filter. Some might say it is your sin. Now draw a random curve sticking out from the origin, going around the filter line, and running through your point heading back toward the origin, but being stopped by the filter. That’s your unfulfillable longing. Now draw a big huge black point between your point and the origin. We’ll call that Jesus. Now, on either side of your point, and just behind it, draw two little dots . The one on the left is your talking goldfish and the one on your right is the wonder of the heavens. If you connect your three dots, you should have a triangle, with one point facing straight to Jesus. That, combined with the line of unfulfillable longing should make an arrow. You know what to do. Various bizarre circumstances in your life, combined with this unfulfillable longing have pointed you straight to Jesus, whom you now understand to be the only way to get through the filter of your sin so you can once again be in right relation with God. So now you take the plunge and draw this little dotted line from your point, through Jesus, straight to the origin. Now, for extra emphasis, scratch out that stupid filter line with a great big, red, magic marker.

Now, I know that was kind of silly, but you must remember, none of that huge extravagant diagram can exist at all, except in relation to the origin of it all. And, I hope, in some geeky sort of way, it’s kind of beautiful. It’s what Augustine calls “the complex good,” and in a lot of ways, it’s actually superior to the simple good.

And after all of this, I’m brought back to my original point. The reason sometimes that it’s been difficult for me to say something, is that I want to be able to tell everybody just exactly where I am on that diagram. Sometimes, I can’t even tell if I am on that diagram. But there is one thing that I am aware of, and that’s that HE IS, and even if I can’t tell what shape exactly the complex good will take, I can always be confident of the simple good: that HE IS, and I am in relationship with Him.

In news of the mundane, I am still unemployed. This has been kind of difficult for me, just because this is the longest I have ever been without some kind of job. I expected to get something within a couple of days. That’s the way it’s always worked for me. Not to say I haven’t had a couple of leads. I had an interview just this last week. But nothing has actually solidified. As a result, I’m discovering things about myself I didn’t know before. Like the fact that, when I have a job to go to, I’m the most prompt and organized person on the block. But when I don’t have an externally imposed structure, I’m a lazy slob. I haven’t had an externally imposed structure for over a month now, and it’s really been showing. For instance, the fact that while I’m writing this, it’s 5:00 in the morning. Part of that is because I had some coffee late last night. But part of it is because I don’t have a regular bed time that I’ve been sticking to, since I didn’t have a regular schedule in the morning. I’m going to start working on it as soon as I can (that means, like, tomorrow, since um… it’s already tomorrow?)

The other really big news, I suppose, is that after careful prayer and consideration, I’m going to make another dig at seminary this fall or summer. I still need a job, no matter what. A kid’s gotta eat. But sitting around trying to live without attempting to fulfill some of the purposes God has for my life is just… wasteful. I decided that I had two options, to match the two things I want to do with my life. One of those is ministry oriented, and the other is business oriented. They both seem to require more schooling. I decided that, if I had to choose one path to go first, it’d had better be ministry. First, ministry is more important, but also, it seems like it would be more conducive to raising a family than working the probably 80+ hours to keep a new business alive. I’m still not sure I’ll end up doing pastoral work, per se. I haven’t found the church that I would feel comfortable pasturing. But then, I’m not prepared yet to be a pastor, so I wouldn’t, would I? But I see no barrier to teaching at a seminary, or working as a Christian counselor.

But by God’s grace, and a little tripping in the night (pun intended), I think I have the next step.

Thought to Ponder

I can’t stand to have people upset with me and can’t stay upset with someone else for very long. I end up getting eaten alive by my anxiety because I have a tendency to ruminate on things, which means that I am well aware of the importance of the message, “let not the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26) whether it be mine or someone else’s. Since I am a relatively passive person my heart resounds with the question that ‘a child once asked: “Must we wait till the evening to be forgiven?”’ I couldn’t help thinking:

How often do we remember that we don’t have to wait, and should not wait, to forgive or ask for forgiveness? Our availability of forgiveness from God is just a thought or a breath away. But how available do we make our forgiveness of others? Do we let it sit and fester a bit or do our hearts ache until we forgive what other have done?

“The Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’
And Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

Don’t hesitate in your forgiveness of others, and don’t say something with your mouth that does not echo in your heart. You spread the hurt and resentment in either of the cases.

Thought to Ponder

My sould is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word (Psalm 119:28). When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way (Psalm 142:3). Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me (Psalm 119:133). Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thought. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24). Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground (Psalm 143:10). Though (my) sorrow may remain for a night, rejoicing will come in the morning (Psalm 30:5b). In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free (Psalm 118:5). When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul (Psalm 94:19). Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me (Psalm 51:10-12). You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word (Psalm 119:114).

Thought to Ponder

“No matter how right your doctrine is, if you’re a jerk, you’re wrong.” –Scott Welch (Assoc. Pastor at my church)

I only have one thing to add to this. Without love there is no true doctrine because Christ’s message was a message of love. We need to remember to approach all things and people with an attitude of love. We can’t be effective if we can’t love our enemies as ourselves.

Thought to Ponder

This wasn’t going to be my original Thought to Ponder for today; but I think it’s worth the read.

Allah or Jesus

By Rick Mathes, prison ministry leader

Last month I attended my annual training session that’s required for maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths who explained their belief systems. I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.

When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: “Please, correct me if I’m wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world. And, that by killing an infidel, which is a command to all Muslims, they are assured of a place in heaven. If that’s the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?”

There was no disagreement with my statements and without hesitation he replied, “Non-believers!” I responded, “So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can go to Heaven. Is that correct?” The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He sheepishly replied, “Yes.”

I then stated, “Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Pat Robertson or Dr. Stanley ordering Protestants to do the same in order to go to Heaven!” The Imam was speechless. I continued, “I also have problem with being your friend when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me. Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill me in order to go to Heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to Heaven and wants you to be with me?”

You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame. Chuck Colson once told me something that has sustained me these 20 years of prison ministry. He said to me, “Rick, remember that the truth will prevail.” And it will!”

The patient has died.

I may be about to go to bed, so don’t hold me to it, but I think I’m going to say something. Something beyond the standard “sorry it’s been 300 years since I posted last.”

I wrote a while ago that my job was in crisis, the medical definition of crisis being the point at which it will be determined if the patient will live or die. As of last Monday, it was official: the patient died.

It was a bad ending. I don’t want to go into a round of finger pointing, partly because I think I have co-workers who read this site, and partly because that’s just rude. Essentially, there was a difference of opinion between my boss(es) and me about how much a person could accomplish in a single day. My estimate was significantly lower than theirs. I tried my best and squeezed what I was told should be a painless 40 hours worth of work into about 45 hours, on average. If work was really really slow, I could get it all done without overtime, but at anything resembling a normal level of work, I couldn’t keep up.

In my mind there were three possibilities for what was wrong: Either the parameters for one person’s work was wrong, or there was some missing technique to getting it done that I couldn’t find out, or the worker was incompetent. I was under the impression that the parameters were wrong, but obviously, my employers decided that the worker was incompetent.

I don’t really have any hard feelings. I was getting pretty close to quitting anyway. How important, really, is a temp job? The thought of spending the next couple of years of my life under the pressure I felt for a measly $12 an hour was becoming less and less appealing.

The trouble is that, with temporary employment, that whole “two weeks notice” thing doesn’t really work. My original contract for that job was for two weeks. If I called in to my agency and said “hey, I don’t like this job any more. Can you get me a new one?” I would be gone the next day. Which would have been really bad for the people at work because I was the only one who knew how to do my job at all, and it had to be done on time every day. If I just up and quit one day, they would have been in some real hot water, and it just wasn’t the Christian thing to do.

So they hired me a replacement, and I trained him, and they let me go. Everybody’s happy. I’m now unemployed, but everybody’s happy.

My only real problem was that, two weeks ago when they brought in my replacement, I knew he was my replacement, they knew he was my replacement, but what I was told was that he was supposed to be my long asked for second person. This completely confused me. They just let somebody go the week previous because we weren’t allowed to have so many temps when business was so slow. I trained for a week, and the next Sunday I got a phone call that my contract had been terminated.

I am simply amazed at the massive lack of trust they communicated to me.

I’m not very good at picking favorites, so I don’t have a favorite bible verse, but one of my favorites is Romans 8:28—
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“We know that all things work together for good for those that love God, who have been called according to His purpose.”

Given my uncanny propensity to perceive this whole worlds-realm as a kind of glorified game, my spin on “all things work together for good” comes out something along the lines of “all things work to my advantage,” or “no matter what happens, I win.” I made a friend really angry once, by playing this game—I forget exactly the circumstances, but I had just gotten done explaining that everything always plays into my hand, when she either did something really rotten to me, or she described something really rotten happening to me. I laughed and mildly adjusted the definition of “to my advantage” (that is to say, I turned common sense on its head).

See, the problem is we all think we know what is to our advantage. In fact, I’d bet that most of us put more faith in our knowing what is and what isn’t to our advantage than we put in the goodness of God. So when something truly awful comes along, we reflexively question the goodness of God, when in reality we ought to be questioning whether we know what is really to our advantage.

For instance: Jesus died on the cross. I think most of us can see why the disciples thought that was a bad thing. But I’d also like to think most of us can see how that actually worked out to everybody’s advantage.

So me: I just lost my job. Bad thing. But really, how bad is it? I’m no worse off than I was six months ago. In fact, I’m almost exactly in the same financial position I was in six months ago. Actually, I’m richer by three pairs of pants, two pairs of shoes (really nice ones), new silverware, a trip to my sister’s wedding, and a fish tank. (God forgive me for the fish tank). What’s more, I am now more than ever sure that I do not want a career in the mortgage industry. I’ve never seen a business that was so highly regulated by the government in all my life. Plus, I’ve learned a lot about business management (both good and bad), and the importance of distributed responsibility. I’m now used to working a solid 8-hour shift working on one thing, and despite whatever the news people are saying, the job market is much better now.

Probably the biggest advantage, honestly, is that I feel I’ve gotten a pretty clear sign to wait on the whole seminary thing. If my job hadn’t been so stressful, I might have been able, just barely, to stay in school. But His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.

So I’ve lost my job, and it was a bad break, but I have no doubt that somewhere along the line, this plays directly into my hand. My mom is convinced that God forced me out of my job precisely at this time because he had a better position immediately available for me somewhere else. That sounds good to me, but I’m not quite ready to jump for joy over a job I don’t quite have yet. I know this works out to my advantage, but I can’t guarantee that I know what my advantage is.

Thought to Ponder

My two devotionals for today overlapped a bit, or at least they did in my mind. One verse came from Matthew 12:13, “Then he (Jesus) said to the man, ‘Stretch out your hand.’ So he stretched it out and it was completely restored, just as sound as the other.” The second verse was from Isaiah 6:8, “’Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?’ Then said I, ‘Here am I; send me.’”

Both of these verses, while in very different contexts, require faith. If we listen to the undercurrent of God’s voice in our lives, we realize that God is not pleading for our help but is asking for people to stretch out to him in faith for personal restoration and through that restoration of those around us.

When we stretch out in faith towards our source of life, we become filled with that source and can affect others by supplying for their needs. The question is are we stretching enough?

Thought to Ponder

I’m trying to get back in the habit of reading my Bible daily again and have decided to also read two daily devotional books, or “dailies,” simultaneously. One of the dailies is the well know book My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. The other daily is A Gentle Spirit: Devotional Selections for Today’s Christian Woman which is a compilation of several inspiring women such as Joni Eareckson Tada, Sheila Walsh, Twila Paris, Amy Carmichael, Elisabeth Elliot, Ruth Bell Graham, Corrie ten Boom, etc. So far everything is going well.

Today’s thought comes from My Utmost for His Highest. The verse was, “And [he] pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west and Hai on the east; and there he builded (sic) an alter.” – Genesis 12:8

Oswald went on to discuss worship and how we are called to give back fully the things he has blessed us with as a love offering. When we give back the blessing it’s a deliberate act of worship that can be used to bless others. If we insist on hoarding the blessings he’s given to us, the blessings will become dry and will be like the manna that rotted when the Israelites tried to “save some for later” instead of depending on God to replenish their supply.

Oswald then continued to discuss the verse reminding that Bethel was a symbol of communion with God and Hai is a symbol for the world. The only way we can honestly do any good in this world is to have communication with God. It’s true that we “cannot live by bread alone” and must consume the “word” of God thought our communion with him, but we must also remember that we cannot be effective tools for his glory and purpose if we completely divorce ourselves from the world by trying to set up our tents solely on the ground of Bethel. We can’t sit there and say, “Ok this is God’s spot in my day and that’s when I’ll have my quiet time.” Instead we should work towards having a continuous quiet time/communion despite the constant batter of noise that we receive from the world. We need to quite jumping around in our lives like “spiritual frogs” from worship to waiting to work and let God create in us an ever bubbling fountain of life to fuel our worship and work.