Life happens

And it’s happening to me.

A few unpleasant events, and some paradigmatic thoughts (look out, it’s long!):

First of all, my living situation is all crazy again. My roommate has opted to quit his job and move back to Japan. He will be leaving December 15, but he’ll continue paying rent until the lease runs up in January. By Feb. 1, I need to have a new situation: either a new roommate, or a new place to live. I’m getting married in July, so that makes things even more complicated, because it’s very difficult to arrange for somebody to live with you exactly between the months of February and July. I’ve called a few people who might be interested in living with me for a short period of time, and I’ve talked to a few people about possibly renting a room from them, but no definite bites. Mostly, though, it’s just a weight on my mind that I don’t have time to really do anything about at this point.

More pressing is the school situation. My work is due by Dec 22 and I’ve been behind. Not *way* behind (I was expecting to get done just barely on time), but still behind enough that it needs to be my primary focus outside of work. When I started, I had expected to be able to get my work done, leisurely, within 5 months or so. But a combination of my weakness in the area of balancing work, school, and play, and “stuff” have backed me up. Actually, I think I’ve got a pretty good excuse on the “stuff” angle. In the last six months, I’ve gotten a new position at work, moved (now working on twice), and I’ve gotten engaged. (We didn’t actually *get* engaged this semester, but it’s still added a new dimension to my life this semester.) Oh. And I’ve had major repairs on my car twice. That wouldn’t be any big deal, except that the $700 I spent on “car” could have been spent on “ring,” thereby reducing the stress level.

And so, as a result of not being Valerie, and “life” happening to me, I took my first midterm (Theology 501) in November, instead of October, like I had hoped. I got my grade back last week.

It was a 69.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I got a grade that low. In grad school, I’m pretty sure it’s a failing grade. If you’ll recall, I was expecting somewhere between an 85 and a 95. Compared with that, I should say that a 69 is sufficiently off from the mark as to indicate that I was aiming at the wrong target.

The note on the front says “Kyle, more depth needed in answers to pass the course!” I had no idea that a lack of depth was what I was supplying. Throughout my answers, the continuing comment that I get is a demand of for Old Testament and New Testament verses, including the references, and for more lecture content. Again, evidence that I was clearly aiming at the wrong target.

My best analysis is that I was treating my Theology class like a humanities class, when I was being expected to treat it like a science. I knew that traditionally, theology was considered the “queen of the sciences” because it summed up all things in Christ, all the sciences, philosophies, and other forms of knowledge, but I hadn’t realized that I was supposed to still be thinking of theology that way.

I didn’t play fast and loose with the facts in my exam, or anything like that. But I wasn’t methodical. I refered to a scripture here and there, sometimes even quoting a bit from memory, and then going on to make my point. Pretty much the way I do here. As far as I can tell, what I was expected to do was to make exactly the same arguments as were put forward in class, and then support each point with specific scriptures, in such a way that made it seem as though the conclusion flowed inevitably from the verses cited. Sort of a jigsaw puzzle view of scripture, or a chemical view: these elements come together under these conditions to form these molecules only. It’s not a view of scripture I’m completely comfortable with, but considering that we worship the God who invented biochemistry, it’s not entirely impossible that scripture was intended to be treated the same way.

In my professor’s favor, the name of the Game *is Systematic* Theology, so you can see that there is an implied requirement to be systematic. On a particular question, assemble all the pertinent passages of scripture, careful only to enterpret them in a way that is consistent with their respective context, and then ballance each scripture against the others. The interpretation(s) which most closely match(es) the texts wins. In practice, that’s a very difficult proposition, and it could take years of working over to find a correct Christian position on a particularly sticky subject. But that’s not what is required of a first year seminary student, any more than a beginning genetics student is require do go through the whole process of coming up with a model for DNA, or an engineering student is required to invent the wheel. All you have to learn is the basic outline of somebody else’s work in systematic theology. Paradigm shifts are for doctors.

In my defense, I don’t come from a background where this sort of thinking is common. Possibly in reaction to the highly ascriptural liberal theology that has been prevalent during much of this century, the message I heard most in regards to Christian ministry was “don’t go to school, they’ll ruin your faith.” My grandfather is celebrating his 50th anniversary as a minister this Sunday. He has never been to seminary, never been to bible school. Around 20 years ago, God told him to go to college because He was sending him to preach in a city. My Grandad got a degree in psychology. I’ve heard phrases like “you don’t need a degree to turn on a light switch!” for a good long time.

I’ve never quite bought into that kind of thinking, but it does indicate that I’ve never been in an environment where people were expected to parse out a theology verse by verse. It never occurred to me that my job was to recite the orthodox position, verse by verse. I did like I’ve tried to do in every area my whole life: I took the conclusion as a given and tried to extrapolate from there. Where I was trying to give greater depth, what I managed to communicate was a complete lack of depth.

For my professor, this really comes down to an understanding of the doctrine of inerrancy. The Bible is inspired by God. This is a verbal, plenary inspiriation. The whole book is inspired, in detail to the very word. Because every word in the Bible is as God intended it, then every word reflects His nature: that He is not a man that he should lie, and that He does not waver in His thoughts and intentions. This means that everything that the Bible affirms is 100% correct. So the truth can be obtained simply by properly ballancing one scripture against another. The key word, of course, is properly. My methods of citing a key verse here and there before springing into the argument may be a great way of arguing, but it doesn’t demonstrate truth from scripture.

For me, I think it comes down to an issue of pride.

I’m a pretty smart guy. I’m not to proud of my moral capacity sometimes, but I really enjoy the way I think. I have a really good memory, and I can usually pull any appropriate quote I like out of the top of my head (sans reference, of course). But I’m also proud of my ability to throw myself into any situation and figure out really quickly, just exactly what people want. As far back as I can remember, a grade lower than a B+ in a class was an indication that I didn’t think the class was worth my time. Never was it an indication of my ability to figure out and provide was was required.

In undergrad, I got two really low scores my Senior year: One was a drama lit class where the professor’s only goal was to get me to demonstrate why 20th century Western theater was the greatest period in literature to date. I disagreed. I refused to play along. I got a C-. The other was an ethics class where I just couldn’t stand the grid through which they were evaluating human moral conduct. I couldn’t do enough research to figure out how to properly challenge their view. I took a C-. In both cases, I could walk away and say that there was something wrong with the class.

There’s just no way I can say that about Theology. On the contrary, the more I think and pray about this, the more I’m convinced that this is exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. My only complaint is that I wish I had known about this rich theological heritage 10, 15 years ago. My entire childhood, every time I attempted to dip into classical theology, I discovered meaty little tidbits like the fact that Moses couldn’t have written the Penteteuch because writing hadn’t been invented yet, or the fact that Isaiah had to have been written by at least three different people, because it was impossible for anyone to know the future. I was not impressed.

If it had been that kind of Theology class, I could have taken a near-failing grade as a kind of badge of pride. On the contrary, a grade like that in a class like the one I’m taking has had the opposite effect of showing my pride for what it is. Pride. In one sense, the class isn’t all that hard, especially if you grew up in a church that already thinks that way. Just memorize the scriptures, commit the standard arguments to heart and pop them out whenever you get asked the appropriate question. I have to stop, and think, and *see* if they are true. If they’re not, I should be able to argue from the scriptures towards what *is* true. I have actually seen it done, and it is a marvelous sight to behold.

Right now, I can’t do that. I can mime it, but I can also mime juggling. I’m at a severe disadvantage as far as Evangelical seminary work is concerned. Honestly, I’m better equipped for a liberal seminary, where I don’t even agree with most of what they say. It’s just easier to argue in that kind of way. What’s worse, I’m supposed to have a month to finish this. Honestly, it’s a very strong temptation to get out and try again. I’m getting married in eight months. Why don’t I drop out of this game and get some programming certification so I can make more money and support my wife? Or at least, why don’t I go to a school thats not going to be so penny-ante about it. Union Seminary has a satelite program at my alma mater that would probably take me in a heartbeat, with scholarships, too. But what advantage is there in going to school to learn that Isaiah couldn’t prophesy?

What it seems to me that the Holy Spirit is saying is that, in this case, though I’ve missed the boat, it’s far better to swim after it than to return to the shore. There is no calling so high as the one I’m being called to, no matter now far behind, no matter how out of place. I can’t shake off the feeling of divine destiny, that God has called me to be where I am, to learn what I am learning, and that, once I’ve got it, He has an important purpose for me using it. Now, I won’t discount the possibility that God’s awesome purpose for me is to use me as a wise bafoon, but even that would be the purpose of God.

This was a long post, I know. You were under no obligation to read it. What I’m going to do now is to write a letter of apology to my professor. As apalling as it was to receive such a low grade, I can only imagine how frustrating it must have been to have to give one. Then I’m writing a Sunday school lesson. This weekend I’ll be praying about whether to ask for an extension for my classes. I probably will.

In January, I’ll worry about my living situation.