Stuff You Probably Didn’t Want to Know about Me

I’ve been on a soap kick lately. Usually I don’t go in for bar soap. I like the scrubby gel stuff. But I was at the Body Shop the other day and saw they had a bar soap version of my favorite face wash and I figured, what the hey. So I bought the soap. And I used it, and it was good.

But then my tiny little bar of soap ran out. I suspect it wasn’t designed for full-body use. It was just a little two-inch bar. But it ran out, and I was already in the habit of using a bar of soap in the shower. So I looked down and I saw this other bar of soap that I’d had for a while and decided that it would do.

Bad idea.

I think it was originally some kind of bathstuff gift to Valerie that somehow got to my place and never got used… um, because she doesn’t usually take baths at my place. But I figured somebody had better go ahead and use the stuff or we might as well throw it away. So I used it.

It was some kind of “moisturizing” hand-made stuff with giant swirls of purple that smelled like lavender. But it lathered and got me clean. And then I stepped out of the shower and my first thought was, “wow, I need deodorant.” My second thought was that maybe lavender swirls and male body odor were never meant to go together.

So I plastered the deodorant on thick this morning, and considered pasting the stuff over every inch of my body that I had previously desecrated with lavender swirls. I decided against it on the basis that two wrongs don’t make a right. And contorting my body around in front of the bathroom mirror while lathing deodorant on parts of my body where normally it would never go definitely counts as a wrong in my book.

As a result, today I smell like a purple flower, and I am carefully avoiding any kind of activity which might incite me to sweat, thereby forcing me to smell like purple flowers draped on a stinky horse. With any luck no one will stand close enough to me today to notice either way.

I have also sworn off ever again using any kind of soap which has been clearly designed for a woman.

4 thoughts on “Stuff You Probably Didn’t Want to Know about Me”

  1. Dear, I could have warned you not to use that particular bar of soap if you had asked. It came in a gift with other “pedicure” items none of which were supposed to be used on the entire body.

    Do you want me to bring you a case of Irish Spring or Zest when I come back on Saturday? (j/k)

    Thanks for the entertainment; I couldn’t breathe because I was laughing so hard (I almost fell out of my seat). By the way, mom’s glad that your clean and fresh smelling. 😀

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  2. The only time I can imagine a purple flower drapped over a stinky horse is after the horse has won the steple chase or something. So I guess smelling that way would leave a message of “I’m a winner”

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  3. You do realize that by telling us you have cancelled out all attempts to keep anyone from noticing? I dunno about that ‘norm’ thing… i have bath & body works stuff in the shower and jason has never once used it, even when he was out of bar soap. he hasn’t even used his ‘manly smelling’ body wash.

    someone should have told the girl that sat next to me in astronomy my junior year that cheap strawberry lotion does not effectively mask the stench of cigarettes, and is likely to make one nauseated when overwhelmed with it first thing in the morning…

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