Valerie – my fiancé – has this… fetish… with milk.
I don’t get it. I’m just not into that sort of thing. Now, I like milk. I like it in my coffee, and in my cheese; I like it in yogurt and chocolate bars. I even like it straight – with 3 or 4 tablespoons of Ovaltine mixed in. But Valerie – whew! – she likes *milk*. Just milk. I have personally seen her drink a full gallon of milk over a period of a weekend. Straight. No chocolate syrup or pancakes (which need washing down) or anything. Just straight milk. It’s… it’s… eww!
So. I came into the room the other day and was picking up some thing and as I was heading out, she said, “wait!” and grabbed her glass of milk. Now, I try to stay pretty tolerant of my darling’s little habits, but this was way too much. She wanted me to take her glass into the kitchen, which glass was still mostly full. Her solution was to drink the *entire* thing – just guzzle it – right there on the spot. Right in front of me.
It’s not so much that she was drinking milk in front of me. I’ve gotten used to that. It’s the fact that she was going to slosh it all down like it was lemonade on a hot summer day, like it was Gatorade and she’d just finished competing in the Olympics, like it was **all** ***O-K***. Really.
And I watched her as she poured it down, as if swallowing wasn’t even necessary, and I’d had enough. I had to say something.
So I said the most condescending thing I knew to say:
“Milk guzzling is approbatious.”
“What?” she said.
“Milk guzzling… is… approbatious.”
“Okay. What does that mean?”
“It means… worthy of approbation,”
“And? What does that mean?”
“Scorn. Derision. Something like that… Um, I think.” I said, frantically scurrying. This was not turning out as I had planned.
“Uh huh.” She raised a quizzical eyebrow, once again prooving her superiority. I have no quizzical eyebrow -raising capacity, a fact which she constantly throws againt me. “”Why don’t you go look it up?” she asked.
“Alright… Where did you hide my dictionary?”
(This was the moment of truth for me. I’m the wordy one. I like being the wordy one. I like words. But sometimes I overshoot a little and throw out a word that I’ve heard somewhere when I only have a partial idea how to use it. Usually I can catch it. Usually it means exactly what I intended. But sometimes… sometimes…)
I found the dictionary and brought it to the bedroom. And I looked up my newfound word of condescension.
“Here it is. Approbation… Approval.”
I ducked my head and left the room to the sound of pealing laughter. Somehow, I have the feeling that our milk budget may exceed the means of your average lexicologist.
neumatikos 
I always knew Valerie and I would get along. apparently Kyle never paid attention to me growing up… I prefer white milk to chocolate, and guzzling it like there’s no tomorrow is the only way to go. When I was pregnant Jason worried that I drank too much milk. I think Kyle didn’t pay attention to me and cheese growing up either. Well, Jason is learning about my cheese love now. {smug look}
mmm.. approbatious.
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No. I always knew you had issues. I just thought I was getting away from them.
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Are we talking about 2% or whole or that wretched watery substance known as skim “milk?” And yes, I have been burned in the past by using a word/phrase that I was not as familiar as I thought I was. Hope your studying is going well.
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Mostly 2%….my mom and youngest brother also “guzzle” right along with me. I think ti makes dad sick to see us drink as much as we do. The first thing that we go get when I go home for a visit is another gallon or two of milk.
mmmm….milk….slurp… 😀
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all milk is good milk except buttermilk and soy milk.
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Buttermilk is good for cooking some things but not to drink.
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Wow. Kyle, that is kind of strange. You should really talk to someone about your adversion to milk. You could always call me, I’ll talk you through it.
-The Raving Milk Supremist Strikes Again
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Whoa, there, Nellie! Looks like the drinking problem is yours, my boy. But not all yours — your mother is off balance as well. That’s where you got it, from your ma. Milk drinking is what makes champions. Yeah, I like that phrase. She has to have stuff in her milk when she feels compelled to imbibe, to make it palpable.
But let’s talk about buttermilk. Mmmm-mmm! I like it when we cook with buttermilk, because you can’t ever buy the exact amount of buttermilk. And, therefore, there is some left over for me. Ha ha ha!
And I get it all! Nobody touches my buttermilk! It’s so thick and tangy. You can feel it coat your entire exophogal canal. Ahhh!
Hey! Using big words that you aren’t completely sure of is lots of fun!
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great — I read — I laughed — now I can’t breathe.
I ask you….was that nice?
and btw — I don’t find your attitude to milk
strange at all
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Got Milk?? It does a body Good!! It is also excellent for your teeth and bones
(no cavities and osteoporosis) In the long run you will save on your dentist
and doctor/medication bills.
Mom-in-law-to-be
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ugh. I only like milk on my cereal and as part of a recipe. I’ve been there though–my wife is a HUGE milk lover. eww.
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