Medical – Army Enlistment pt. 3

This is the creepy part of the process. It’s also funny, if you’re not there for it. We had to get everything tested. On the way out of the classroom we were given breathalyser tests (I came back clean). Then we went through a battery: reflexes, eye test, hearing test, urine sample, blood sample.

Now backwards – on the blood sample, I’m still getting over a hatred of needles, so I looked away while I was being pricked. A few seconds in, I said calmly that I wasn’t particularly enjoying the experience, at which point the medic cried, “now why did you have to say that. The minute you said that, you dried up. Nothing’s coming out.” I looked down and saw that the sample bottle was huge and quite suddenly felt sick. It was a few minutes before they were able to try again.

The urine sample was not like your ordinary urinalysis, outside of a prison. We were taken, three at a time, into a room with urinals, but no parititions, where a medic handed us a cup and waited. And he had a bad problem with fidgeting. And tapping his foot… Let’s just say that peeing in public is just not my thing. If I gave you the vulgar details, I promise you’d be laughing till you cried. It took two attempts and over two hours before the pain in my bladder exceeded its shyness. It was the defining issue of the day. It’s something I definitely have to get over, and I really don’t have a clue how to practice.

The hearing test involved sitting in a soundproof room with earphones on and tapping a special button when you heard various beeps at various frequencies. It was… amusing. They eye test involved both correction testing and testing for colorblindness. It turns out that I’m not colorblind, but I’m still not legal to drive without glasses.

Author: KB French

Formerly many things, including theology student, mime, jr. high Latin teacher, and Army logistics officer. Currently in the National Guard, and employed as a civilian... somewhere View all posts by KB French